But you’d never know it visiting her amusement park.
Once we left church, or rather, a place that adult who want to be rich lure kids to talk about Jesus Christ during a soft rock concert, we were hungry. Luckily, we had a great place picked out and after much driving, we arrived in Memphis Tennessee to eat. Also? We got drinks to go along with our food. I add this detail because the drinks were humongous:
That’s Amanda’s adult hand holding that gigantic soda cup. No wonder the folks in the south are such a strain on America’s dismal obesity statistic. That’s a crapton of calories in that cup. Tasty though.
Back to the place we ate. Sorry for the semi-tangent. Here’s where we ended up:
World famous, or at least famous in the south, this place is highly recommended by every book out there about Bar-B-Q and is generally featured on The Travel Channel and The Food Network. In short: high hopes alert.
We stepped in and saw this super fun group of folks enjoying some slaughtered meats:
Yea. It’s kind of dumpy. No big deal. It was still going to be awesome. We ordered from a semi-depressed, fully-disinterested teenaged girl and hunkered down for some rib goodness:
Signature ribs, baked beans, cole slaw (Barf City), and bar-b-q sauced up pasta. The ribs were very good, as were the beans. They were obviously slow cooked and “falling off of the bone” as they say (well, they usually say “falling off the bone”, but I generally like grammar). The sauce was a little sweet, with a bit of tang to it, and was overall very pleasant. Were they as good a rack of ribs in Texas? Essword no. Not even close. Dry rub is absolutely where it’s at.
The pasta was a little bit weird for me. Basically, it was overcooked spaghetti, chopped up to be super small and topped with a ladle-full of the sauce smothering the ribs. A good comparison would be canned spaghetti with bar-b-q sauce, instead of the sauce used on SpaghettiO’s. Not great, but at least a little interesting? I guess?
After we ate, we decided to take our time a bit in Tennessee, in an attempt to let the gigantic storm that had been following us since San Francisco, pass. We headed to our hotel near Nashville and slept. Boring.
The next morning, we headed out with some big big plans. Just kidding. We had teeny-weeny plans. The first stop?
We expected to be able to walk around the venue a bit to check it out. We hadn’t planned on spending $20 apiece to tour the place, so we decided to just check out the boring gift shop and call it a visit.
After buying a cheap harmonica and some drum sticks (for Rock Band on ps3, duh), we were back in the car for stop number two of the day:
Amanda was super duper extra mega ultra pumped for the Pancake Pantry. She loves pancakes. A lot. This place was also highly recommended apparently, as the line to be seated was out the door and the place was packed with folks at every table. See?
*Aside* – When we were in line waiting to be seated, we were behind, and in front of two separate groups of people who had come to the city to see the Philadelphia Eagles play football. It was terrible to listen to them talk to each other. I really don’t like some people from Philadelphia at all. They are the worst. Luckily for them, I do like some people from Philadelphia, especially if they are feeding me. – *Aside Over*
Once seated, we started to realize what all of the fuss was about. To say that the pancake options were extensive is like saying that the selection of classic book at the Library of Congress is extensive. That was excessive, sure, but there were a whole lot of different pancakes to choose from. I chose this meal:
Sausage links wrapped in pancakes, or Pigs in a Blanket. I smothered them in butter and maple syrup and dug in. Pretty good I guess. I’m a dinner connoisseur, so breakfast is lost on me, but this meal was a little disappointing. I guess if you offer a ton of different stuff, you can really expect to make everything great (like The Cheesecake Factory). They were passable, certainly, but nothing to seek out if you’re ever in Nashville.
After brunch with Eagles fans, we drove to a teeny little town in Tennessee. That might not narrow it down, but I will narrow it for you. Pinpoint it actually. Bellevue, TN.
This place just oozed old timey charm that women just eat up:
Red brick everywhere. Tons of little shops on a long strip of old school American Main Street. Amanda loved it. We popped into a few shops, grabbed some gifts for folks, then ended up in Sweet CeCe’s. It’s a little do it yourself frozen yogurt shop. First, you pick your flavor:
Then you pick your dry toppings:
Thereafter? Non-dry toppings:
Then the cashier weighs it, you pay, and your left to enjoy something like this:
Sure, it’s ugly and poorly constructed, but the toppings (brownies, Butterfinger and M&M’s) and the yogurt itself (vanilla) were all excellent. The frozen yogurt was actually surprisingly ice-cream-esque, Really thick and quite savory. Excellent stop for sure.
After that, we got to steppin’, then got to drivin’, then got to checkin’ in. We were hungry, but luckily for us, right outside of our hotel? This place:
We had to eat there, as Uncle Buck is perhaps the greatest thing John Candy ever did before his premature and morbid obesity related demise. Sure, the character on the sign looks nothing like John Candy, but perhaps this Uncle Buck was the inspiration for the film?
We went in, sat down and were accosted by an overly friendly, super bored, kind of stupid waiter. He didn’t really leave us alone very much during the experience and he acted like we were all best friends. I really dislike such people. What a dink.
Here’s what Uncle Buck had to offer:
As chicken fingers go, they were very good. But still. They were just chicken fingers. No big deal.
The next day? Greatness:
Dollywood. Kablam.
We were really very excited about this. Amanda loves Dolly Parton and we both love amusement parks, how can you lose? Answer: You cannot.
The park itself was surprisingly devoid of any sort of Dolly Parton references; it was mildly shocking. We both expected a statue or some portraits or something, but at most there was a song or two played throughout the park’s sound system featuring Dolly. Lack of Dolly aside, the park did not disappoint.
The rides were pretty good to very good, even though a few of them were closed, the lines for the rides were laughably short (pretty much no wait at all), the park was well laid out and well kept, and the food was standard crappy amusement park fair:
Not so great,
So what made Dollywood stand out? Two things. The first:
Adventure Mountain. It was basically a giant ropes course. I had never seen anything like it in an amusement park, or anywhere other than the forest. It was comprised of a series of interconnected rickety bridges, rope crossings, and various other seemingly dangerous gap crossings. It was pretty fun. The best part is shown in that last image. It was basically a two inch wide beam you had to cross. It was a little bit unnerving, even though we were pretty safe the entire time.
Well done Dollywood.
The second standout aspect of the park? The clientele. Outstanding. When we arrived at the park, we had to park our car in a lot that was at least a mile from the entrance. We assumed that the park would be pretty crowded, which we were correct in assuming.
How could such a crowded park lead to almost no lines for the main attractions, the rides? Well. It’s easy.
The elderly.
This place was jam packed with overall-wearing, blue-haired denture cream commercial waiting to happen. It was glorious.
Why would so many old folks flock to a place that their pacemaker company probably issues warning about? Why, religious trios of course:
Just marvel at all of that grey hair. Incredible.
These folks have season passes to the park and come to both exercise and listen to music by hillbillies stuck in 1940. It was awesome.
Occasionally, we’d see an adventurous old person venture onto a ride for the thrill of their lives. This was the usual outcome:
Her hands were over her face for the duration of the ride. She was terrified. I was hilaritied (not a word).
Overall, Dollywood was definitely worth the visit. Just an awesome place to ride some mid-level roller coasters, get some hand churned butter and homemade candy, and watch elderly people tap their feet lightly in near silence while listening to what amounted to a barbershop quartet singing about Jesus and his dad (who is the same person/soul or whatever).
Incredible day.
After that, we headed to North Carolina, where we found this:
Yee-Haw.
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